you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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