you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
