On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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