When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
