You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
