i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
