I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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