I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
