I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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