just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
