at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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