i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
