I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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