Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
