Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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