I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
