Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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