I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Randomize
