This is not my ceiling
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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