She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
