If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
