Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
