I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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