apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
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