If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
