we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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