I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
