You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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