Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I just want nice things and good sex
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
