Kiss
Puke
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
