I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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