when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
