you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
