i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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