is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
