I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
