dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
What drink are we having for lunch?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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