sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
