You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
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