true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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