I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
