I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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