Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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