Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
well, you know. whores of a feather.
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