My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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