if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
