I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
