Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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