my being single is dangerous.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need a hoe opinion
go on
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
