Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
