Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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