I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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