Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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